Sunday, March 28, 2010

the storm is coming but i dont mind.

IMG_5409  im fading, being consumed. eaten away.  im stuck in this awkward stage between feeling ready to fly, to start fresh, and being completely petrified of letting go.  there are so many fears.. loss of trust, inadequacy, change, fear of pain, lies,  more trust issues …somehow (i dont know how but somehow) i have to get over this. i wish the cure was in the form a pill that i could swallow, it would dissolve and so would my troubles.

this wound will mend, this gaping, cankerous wound on my heart.   i know because the healing process has started, through music, comfort food, laughter, and friends. through church, pictures, and knowledge, my heart is  slowly becoming whole again. but there are pieces missing here and there that i dont know how to reassemble (or where to find them for that matter). i guess the knowledge that im healing should be comforting, so ill just keep holding onto that. and maybe someday ill find those missing pieces and be whole once again.

12 comments:

kaitlan said...

You just hold onto the Atonement honey. When I've been in periods of my life where I would cry myself to sleep, my Savior's love and the church was my saving grace. He knows your pain. He died for it. You're courageous and beautiful, you can do this!

Mandy said...

You are so amazing Cami, and I have never even met you in person. I have a testimony that hearts heal, I have experienced it myself. You can do anything.

Natalie said...

Camilla. You are so dang wonderful. You are so strong - much stronger than I will ever be. You amaze me. You've gone through things it pains me to even think about; and as a result, your testimony is solidsolidsolid. I know Heavenly Father loves you, and that that love is what gets us through these trials. D&C121, my friend.

I love you and can't wait for our next comfort-food-outing. Uhh..by the way, I went to Sprinkles today. Being the heifer I am, I didn't just get one cupcake. Nope. I got a whole box. Awesome. <3

Anonymous said...

this is so beautiful cami.

erin said...

Cami - time. Time really does heal all wounds. I promise. But it will take A LOT of time. Just be patient and through time, you'll be whole again. :) Keep your chin up.

Angela Brian said...

it is time the yellow gummy bear arived at your door step. i need your address. trust me on this, it heals hearts!

emma said...

i love you dearly, cami! you are so strong and i admire you for so many reasons. <3

mindy said...

you never cease to amaze me cami. you are incredible. you have such a beautiful gift of expressing yourself. hearts are hard to heal, but i'm sure once it does, you will look back on your journey and see how much you've grown from it.

you rock cami. can we thrift sometime? or craft? or eat?! haha

Brittany said...

I think you're a neat lady. I keep being surprised by what my heart can do. And it can heal. All these other wonderful people said it, and they are right. We can heal and we can then do great things.

Adria said...

i think having some of those pieces missing makes you raw and beautiful....or shall i say even more beautiful! you are such an amazing woman, cam. you have a light that follows you where ever you go:) i've seen you change, grow, and over come these past few months and it has really been inspiring. never forget how incredible you are and how much you have to offer! *muah*

The O'Haver Family said...

I have to say I am going through the exact same torment inside. Well not exact different senario of course, but I feel the same in the sense of trying to get pregnant again. I feel like I want to and I am ready, but afraid all the same. I think we both need to realize in the right hands we will be okay and taken care of. I know its easier said than done. But lets do it cami, lets try to step forward. PS WE NEED GIRLS NIGHT!

mindy said...

i'm fairly sure- that this is exactly how i'm feeling... i'm glad i went back & read this post.

you cami, are amazing.